By Andrew Ripemoff
The good news is that the legislature is halfway done with its work. The bad news is that there are still more than 50 days for lawmakers to brainstorm ways to boss you around. Hold on to your wallet as we review the first half. Drumroll please...
We start in January.
To kick the session off right, Senate President Peter Groff gives his annual thoughts on Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in a speech so inspirational, so moving, so passionate that several members of the assembly remain awake for long portions of it.
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With a national financial crisis at hand, state House Democrats address Colorado’s rising unemployment by taking the obvious first step of forcing pet owners to inject their cats with microchips.
"With millions of cats, both domestic and feral roaming our state unregulated, mandatory computer monitoring of little Fluffy and her friends will lead to the creation of hundreds of thousands of new high-paying chip-injecting jobs," says the bill’s co-sponsor, Democrat Cherylin Peniston, who added, "by working together on this bill, we can make Colorado the Silicon Valley of feline microchip injections."
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Lawmakers discuss House Bill 1091, the "Detector bill," legislation that would protect people against excess carbon monoxide.
Later in the session, legislators debate the House Bill 2019, known as the "Buffie McFadyen Bill," legislation that would protect people against excess hydrogen peroxide.
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The House passes House Bill 1042, which would penalize slow drivers - unless of course, the slow driver has one of those annoying "My Child is an honor student at..." bumper stickers, in which case, all of the drivers behind the vehicle would be allowed to smash the offending vehicle and ram his or her car off the side of the road or into a 200 foot drop-off.
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Governor Bill Ritter appoints Boulderite Alice Madden as the state’s "Climate Change Coordinator." As part of her $80,000 a year gig, Madden will fight global warming by taking taxpayer-funded junkets to New Orleans.
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Not to be outdone in the junket race, Ritter and his staff jet over to Asia on a vacation that cost Colorado taxpayers more than $78,000.
This trip was keeping with the theme Ritter espoused in a January 16 written statement to The Denver Post concerning the state’s budget shortfall:
Hear that everyone? You need to make sacrifices. Just like Ritter is doing at the the Beijing Ritz Carlton.
In fact, when asked why during this period of state cutbacks, Ritter chose to stay in a five-star hotel, a Ritter spokesman told a reporter: "Because there are no six-star hotels."
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The Colorado Department of Transportation begins producing costly TV ads broadcast in Spanish.
With inclusiveness and diversity as its focus, CDOT also begins running another series of ads in the third century European language of Raetic, just in case there happen to be any 800 year-old immigrants from remote villages in the eastern Alps who don’t wear their seat belts.
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In a surprising move, Ritter appoints the unknown Michael Bennet to Colorado's vacant U.S. Senate seat. This "Cinderella" pick not only shocks the political establishment, but it proves once again that here in America, if you work hard and dream big, anyone, and I mean ANYONE can make it to the top, just so long as you’re an East Coast multi-millionaire caucasian from a prominent family.
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As work on the FASTER legislation continues, a provision that would implement a mileage-based fee is eliminated after many objections are raised from hard-working taxpayers.
"I just got back from a town hall meeting, where I shared with everyone my idea of how I was going to charge them for each mile they drive," Senate sponsor Dan Gibbs told a reporter. "And the next thing I know, I’m sprinting across the parking lot with a pack of about 200 angry people chasing after me shouting." Visibly shaken, Gibbs paused to catch his breath. "I wasn’t sure what they were saying but it must have had to do something about vehicles, because I kept hearing something that sounded like "truck" and "you."
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Having failed twice already, Groff pushes yet another parental leave measure.
This year’s bill would force small business men and women to give time off to their employees so that they could attend their kids’ schools functions. Ironically, voting on the legislation is delayed after Sally Snidhicker, (an aide to Groff), did not have enough time to print off copies of the bill due to the fact that she had to leave for "a thing at her kid’s school."
Meanwhile, an enterprising local watering hole capitalizes on the proposed legislation. The Lancero puts up signage offering workers a unique promotion its owner calls the Peter Groff Happy Hour Special:
2 FOR 1 WINE, WELLS & DRAFTS WHEN YOU TELL YOUR BOSS YOU HAD TO LEAVE WORK BECAUSE OF A SCHOOL FUNCTION
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February 2: After criticism that she is unsympathetic and uncaring toward her constituents, Congresswoman Betsy Markey decides to open up an office. This, nearly three months after having been elected.
Says Markey at the grand opening of the Ft. Collins digs: "This whole office controversy was getting out of hand. So I looked in the mirror and said, ‘Betsy, why not open up an office? That way there will be an outlet for your fans. Plus, you know, I had a few minutes available between my spa appointment and shopping trip, so here I am."
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February 7: Ryan Call is elected chairman of Denver Republican party, marking the first time in history that a Republican in Denver has been elected to anything.
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March 2: After a wonderful and successful 150-year run, the Rocky Mountain News publishes its final edition and ceases operations. The move was ordered by Jared Polis, inventor of the Internet.
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Colorado voters may have voted down spousal benefits for same-sex couples in 2006, but Jennifer Veiga is not one to let something trivial like the will of the people interfere with her personal agenda. And just so it’s clear, we’re NOT accusing her of a conflict of interest here, OK? So just get that out of your mind right now.
Regardless, this pseudo-state employee has introduced a bill forcing taxpayers to give health benefits to a domestic partner of state employees, unless of course, the domestic partner brings home groceries in a plastic grocery store bag, in which case the partner will be arrested and given the death penalty.
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Speaking of the death penalty, anti-capital punishment advocate Paul Weissmann’s measure that would allow legislators to take a few days off in the middle of the session is initially defeated. However, lawmakers end up passing a resolution that encourages Weissmann to take off as much time as he wants.
Weissmann becomes very upset when votes for his bill failed to materialize in the Senate. He even goes so far as to issue a threat to Republican lawmakers, telling them: "Your bills are dead!"
Which leads us to the new joke going around the Capitol:
Do you know the difference between Republican-sponsored bills and convicted serial killers?
Weissmann doesn’t want serial killers to die.
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In the "So Awesome" Department:
In a bi-partisan vote, the Senate approves the revocation of Ritter's prescription drug program - the very first bill signed by Ritter back in 2007.
Ritter spokesman Evan Dreyer takes the humiliation in stride and defends the now worthless legislation:
"The governor is moving on and looks forward to introducing vital, long-term initiatives that hopefully, will last longer than 23 months."
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Hoping to repeal the state's Arveschoug-Bird 6 percent budgetary limits, state Senator John Morse introduces Senate Bill 228, legislation that would give the "bird" to fiscal prudence. To add fuel to the fire, the bill is scheduled for debate late on a Friday evening.
Yet despite the apparent ramming through of the measure, Democrats say that they are proud of the bill and deny Republican claims that are trying to divert media attention away from it.
A second hearing on the measure has been scheduled for 3 AM next Christmas morning.
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We’ll be back with another review at the end of the year, assuming the legislature keeps doing stupid stuff.
In other words, we’ll be back at the end of the year.