By Andrew Ripemoff
When I said back in January that Colorado Democrats would cause a lot of damage at the state house, I was speaking rhetorically.
But it turns out they ARE causing damage. Real, physical, neglect-induced harm. I’m talking about the golden dome. A dome built in 1894 with gold added in 1908. A tall beaming source of pride for all Coloradans. A unique, functional symbol of Colorado history that has made it through 115 years, but may not make it through the Ritter administration.
ilovemypit/Flickr
The Denver Post recently reported on the sad condition of our state capitol. It needs significant repairs. At least, that’s what some lawmakers claim. Personally I think it’s just another revenue-enhancing ploy by state Senate President Brandon Shaffer. He’ll order the gold-leaf roof to be removed, "for repairs," replacing it with brightly colored yellow paint. Then he’ll melt it all down, and sell the gold for $940 an ounce, whereupon he’ll use the proceeds to pay for very important, vital state needs, such has hiring another assistant Governor to help Governor Bill Ritter, Lt. Governor (yes we have one) Barbara O’Brien and co-Governor Elliman.
The cost for repairs is estimated to be between $10 and $30 million. Democrats plan to pay for this by constructing a time machine to go back three years, where this time they’ll vote "Yes" alongside Republicans to establish a rainy-day fund.
Of course, responsible lawmakers would have set aside funds for maintenance. But these aren’t responsible lawmakers. So now the state – which is already broke - has to come up with possibly $30 million to pay a roofing contractor.
One option under consideration is putting the tab all on Terrance Carroll’s personal credit card. Carroll will call up Visa and ask if they could possibly, maybe, raise his credit limit from $5,000 to $30 million.
Rep. Jim Riesberg, chairman of the state’s joint Capitol Development Committee, wants to pay for repairs by seeking out private donations. Says Riesberg: "I think it would be exciting to have a statewide fund drive to fix the dome."
Sure! That would be just a big ol’ barrel full of excitement! Imagine how fun that would be to get up real early on a Saturday morning and following Riesberg as he strolls around the subdivision with hat in hand, soliciting donations:
RIESBERG: (knocking on a neighbor’s door): Good morning! I’m collecting donations for charity.
NEIGHBOR: What, like for the cancer society? Or an animal shelter?
RIESBERG: Something like that.
NEIGHBOR: I don’t know. Things are sort of tight. I lost my energy job thanks to Ritter. They took away my TABOR refund check. I have to pay more to register my car next week. Plus those bastards raised my property taxes. What charity is it for?
RIESBERG: State government.
NEIGHBOR (angry): What?
RIESBERG: Yeah. We need to replace rusted screw heads on some iron columns. Guess we forget to save for that sort of stuff. Ooopsie! Anyhoo, can I put you down for $100, or $200 instead? I can take a check...Hey! Don’t you slam the door on me! Open up! I said open up!
I joke around, but truth be told, keeping our capitol in top condition is a very worthy cause. That’s why, just recently, I personally made a significant donation to help pay for its maintenance. Oh sure, some people won’t call it a “donation.” They’ll call it my “2008 state income tax.” But that’s not the point. The point is that we all need to chip in.
So far though, a tax weary populace doesn’t seem to want to be handed a costly repair bill on a government building. As Paul Weissmann told the Denver Post in a feature we like to call, This Week’s Most Obvious Observation:
"People, quite frankly, think that’s a function of government."
So it looks like the people aren’t running to the ATM for funds to contribute. But I’m guessing the business community will. As you can imagine, Colorado business owners LOVE the idea of giving even more of their money to bureaucrats. “Here’s a whole bunch of money. Please take it. We don’t have room for it,” is their exact words.
Or maybe not. In fact, the Post reports that corporations struggling to stay afloat in a recession aren’t quick to pull out the old checkbook either. Apparently there has been one potential corporate donor, but negotiations fell apart over the issue of naming rights. Governor Ritter’s spokesmen Evan Dreyer said: "We deeply appreciate their interest, but at this time, the governor feels that changing the name of the capitol to the 'GoDaddy.com State Building' should only be done as a last resort."
Regardless of how they come up with the funds, something needs to be done. And soon. A state construction expert told the Post, “...a piece of the building did fall.” (And some of you mocked me when I said putting liberals in power would result in the sky falling.) In fact, my sources indicate that several pieces have fallen, even hitting some lawmakers on the head, which helps explain the passage of the FASTER bill.
There have even been reports of the roof leaking. Rain water has been leaking into the building, colliding with the millions of dollars leaking out of the building. So far, the only decent suggestion to stop the leaks has been the idea of taking the state’s newly hired $80,000 a year “Minority Outreach Coordinator,” and putting her on the roof with a bunch of highly absorbent paper towels. Crazy? Maybe. But I think we can all agree it’s a better use of taxpayer time and money than having her spend all day making sure minorities get special treatment.
So, hopefully the roof will be repaired. I don’t know how this will all end, or how majority Democrats plan to pay for it.
All I know is that if I see Brandon Shaffer climbing up the dome with a pick ax, I’m definitely calling someone.