I don’t want to get too graphic here, but I was using the men's room at the state Capitol the other day, just sitting there doing my business, when all of a sudden, I looked up and saw state Senator Jennifer Veiga staring down at me from over the stall. You might think the transcription below is phony, but I can assure you that fictional video cameras captured the made-up scene in its entirety:
Carey Tilden/Flickr
JENNIFER VEIGA: "Do you have any toilet paper?"
ME: "What the? Get out!"
VEIGA: "Why?"
ME: "I’m going to the bathroom. Plus, this is the MEN'S room!"
VEIGA: "There’s no such thing as a ‘Men's Room’ anymore. That term is outdated."
ME: "What do you mean?"
VEIGA: "Senate Bill 200. Haven’t you heard?"
ME: "Yes, but for purposes of this column, let’s assume I haven’t."
VEIGA: "Very well. Senate Bill 200 is legislation I sponsored that, amongst other things,
allows people who are questioning their gender to use any bathroom they want."
ME: "That doesn’t make sense. Nobody questions their gender."
VEIGA: "Haven’t you ever heard of Richard Simmons?"
ME: "Good point."
JOEL JUDD: (peeking his head over the stall): "I co-sponsored it!"
ME: "Who are you? I’m trying to go to the bathroom here!"
JUDD: "Hi! My name’s Representative Joel Judd."
ME: "Uh, hi. I would shake your hand, but..well..."
JUDD: "I understand. Don’t get up."
SOUND OF LAUGHTER
ME: "That’s really your name? Joel Judd? It sounds made up."
JUDD: "Yep. That’s may real name. Try saying it three times fast."
ME: "Joel Judd, Joe Judge, Jo Drud.."
JUDD: "See! I told you it was hard."
VEIGA: "Um guys. Hate to interrupt the party, but I came here to borrow some toilet paper."
ME: "I’m using it, so can you guys get out and leave me alone?"
GOVERNOR RITTER: (peeking his head over the stall): "You guys find some toilet paper yet? I used my new rights to go in bathrooms that women use and look around, but I couldn’t find any."
VEIGA: "Toilet paper?"
RITTER: "No, women."
ME: "Hey! I’m trying to use the restroom here!"
RITTER: "Oh hi! I’m Bill Ritter. Nice to meet you."
JUDD: "Don’t get up."
LAUGHTER
ME: "I don’t understand you people. This whole Senate Bill 200 thing is kind of creepy don’t you think?"
VEIGA: "How so?"
ME: "Well for starters, I have three high ranking elected Democrats watching me sitting on a
toilet."
JUDD: "You should see what happens in our caucus."
ME: "This is so wrong. Men in ladies bathrooms? What about perverts?"
RITTER: "Hey! You leave Senate Democrats out of this."
ME: "No, no. I talking about creepy guys and freaks, and other deviants."
VEIGA: "Oh them? Don’t worry. House Democrats are definitely on board."
ME: "No! I meant criminals who might go into a women’s bathroom legally then assault women and young girls."
VEIGA: "We’re crossing our fingers and hoping that doesn’t happen. 'Think Happy Thoughts' is my motto."
ME: "I can’t believe you guys just rammed this unnecessary piece of legislation through."
JUDD: "It did have bi-partisan appeal."
ME: "Really?"
JUDD: "Senator Larry Craig was very supportive."
ME: "But Colorado is facing so many important issues right now. There’s transportation problems, excessive taxes, declining test scores, soaring gas prices...."
RITTER: "Yeah, yeah, I know, but we need to focus on what’s important. For example: As I travel across this state and speak to thousands of ordinary, hard working Coloradans, they often come up to me and say: ‘What are you going to do about funeral homes that discriminate against homosexual corpses?’"
ME: "Huh?
RITTER: "We addressed it in Section 18 of the bill. It says that funeral service providers can’t refuse to work on gay clients."
ME: "But by definition, aren’t funeral home clients dead?"
RITTER: "Technically yes. But just because they don’t have a pulse doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be protected against discrimination."
ME: "So a gay man who is dead has more rights than a straight white man who is alive?"
RITTER: "We never said the bill was perfect."
Ritter spokesman Evan DREYER peeks his head over the stall.
DREYER: Is this man bothering you Governor? Because if so, I took karate in third grade. Hiii-yahh! (He chops the air with his hands menacingly).
ME: Who’s this dude?
DREYER: "Howdy ho. I’m Evan Dreyer, the Governor’s personal spokesman."
VEIGA: (angrily): You mean, SpokesPERSON.
DREYER: Nice to meet you.
JUDD: Don’t get up.
LAUGHTER
ME: "Can you guys get out and let me finish up here? Please?"
RITTER (TO DREYER): "Whacha you need boy?"
DREYER: "Sorry to bother you sir, but we have a problem. Representatives Levy, Marshall and Madden are complaining that a creepy guy has been hanging around inside the ladies bathroom all day, leering at them under the stall.
RITTER: "Is it...."
DREYER: "No sir, I checked. Former President Clinton is in New York."
RITTER: "Well whoever it is, we can’t kick him out. That would be discrimination."
DREYER: "But what should I tell Levy, Marshall and Madden?"
RITTER: "Congratulate them on the passage of Senate Bill 200."
LAUGHTER
VEIGA: "Now about that toilet paper we need. You have any down there?"
ME: "Sure. Here you go."
VEIGA: "Wait. This isn’t toilet paper. This is a copy of Senate Bill 200."
ME: "Close enough."