By Andrew Ripemoff
DENVER - Day three here at the DNC, and you can smell the excitement in the air. Then again, that may be body odor from the protesters, because from my limited experience, we can add "deodorant" to the litany of items they’re boycotting.
FTS Staff Photo
And believe me, they ARE protesting. Oh sure, maybe not in the numbers predicted, but don’t hold it against them. Glenn Spagnuolo and his Re-Create 68 cohorts predicted up to 50,000 protesters. They were off just a bit. The masses never materialized, a development widely attributed to the Longmont Dairy Queen’s week-long "Free Blizzards for Anarchists" promotion. Yet this numerical disparity remains troubling. Imagine grocery shopping day at the home of a Re-Create 68 leader:
WIFE: "Honey! I’m going to the store. Do we need eggs?"RE-CREATE 68 LEADER: (looking in the refrigerator and seeing only 3 eggs): "Nah. We’re good. We still have 50,000 left."
Actually, there were at least a couple hundred protesters at a protest rally in Civic Center on Monday night. One hundred of them were detained, where (according to our sources) they faced severe, brutal, and cruel punishment. Yes, they were forced to listen to Mark Warner’s entire speech.
But at least they had the park mostly to themselves - all thanks to what the Denver organizing committee officially called, "Hide the Homeless Day." Which leads me to my second point:
When I die, I want to be re-incarnated as a homeless person during a Democrat convention.
Have you seen the perks these guys get? Free admission to museums and movie theaters. Free haircuts. Free Quiznos subs. Seriously, where do I sign up? It must make the Code Pink and Re-Create 68 people jealous. While the local homeless folks were chowing down 12 inch subs and catching the 1:20 pm showing of "Momma Mia," those poor protesters were stuffing their faces with 19 inches of police batons while catching the 3:45 viewing of "Pepper Spray, the Sequel."
It’s not fair really. All the anti-war protesters want to do is to take a stand for harmony. They desire a loving world where all the citizens of the world can co-exist peacefully - unless you happen to work for Fox News, in which case they want to kill you.
Take Fox News’s Michelle Malkin for example. She was assaulted while covering an anti-war group who gathered outside the Denver Mint, which judging by the breath of some of the protesters, is the only mint they’ve ever seen.
Then there was the protester who was arrested for dropping a bottle of feces. However he was later released after police determined that the item wasn’t feces, but rather, a copy of Mike Littwin’s Rocky Mountain News column.
To be fair, there were also Republican protesters. They confronted Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi to chant, "Drill Here. Drill Now." To which the speaker - always witty and quick on her feet - replied: "Can we drill your brains?"
Yes folks, she is third in line to the Presidency.
But let’s skip that horrifying thought and focus on the positive. Because the protest angle wasn’t the only big news here at the convention, as evidenced by this actual Denver Post headline:
"SIGHTING: ACTOR MATTHEW MODINE ON A ROLL IN DENVER"
It was this story (undoubtedly already Fed-ex’d to the Pulitzer nomination committee), about how Matthew Modine rode a rented bike in Denver, and how incredibly exciting that was to witness, and how he peddled around in the streets, and..oh, I’m sorry, I’m rambling. I could just go on and on about it. You see, Modine is a big Obama supporter, and since he is an actor and we should probably listen to his wisdom regarding political matters. I mean, why not? After all, Modine was originally offered Tom Cruise’s role of "Maverick" in the blockbuster "Top Gun," and he turned it down. So we probably ought to trust his judgement.
There were other big time celebrities invading the city too, such as Obama supporter Cindy Lauper, who performed Tuesday night at a lesbian benefit at the Fillmore. And who says 55-year-old singers from the 80's can’t look good in tight pants?
I do.
Meanwhile, in addition to the Matthew Modine bike ride, lesbian music-fest, and hippie smackdown, a political convention was getting under way. It started off Monday with delegates bowing their heads in a solemn prayer to Almighty God. I am of course, talking about Obama.
Then the four day festivities kicked off at the Pepsi Center - so named because you needed large quantities of it to stay awake during most of the speakers.
All in all however, I have to admit that the convention has been a big success. Even Mayor John Hickenlooper’s promise to make this the "Greenest Convention ever" worked. Democrats recycled everything: plates, cups, tired old lines, etc.
But soon, everything will be back to normal. Delegates will go back home and pick up their welfare checks, liberal bloggers will go back to typing in their mom’s basement while naked, and the anarchists will go back to their jobs...I mean their...uh...whatever they do during the day.
But not before they furiously scrub the smell of pepper spray off their bodies. Because it’s hard to get that horrible smell off your skin. Some people recommend spraying on some cologne. Some people recommend taking two showers. I recommend the protesters try something entirely new.
Deodorant.