By Andrew Ripemoff
It’s been just over a week since the legislature has adjourned and yet, somehow, someway, the sun still rises every morning.
Now I realize that you may be tired of all those "End of the Legislative Session" articles, but I really don’t care.
No, sorry. What I meant to say is that here are some alcohol-induced observations combined with blatant plagiarism from Colorado newspapers. Because, since our review at the session’s halfway point, our legislators have been very busy. For example, they recently passed a bill prohibiting people from touching themselves in naughty places while in public view. I really didn’t think this was a big problem, but then again, I haven’t really spent much time around Democrats.
The State SenateColo. Senate News
My point is that vital state concerns are being addressed. Here is recap of the last half of the 120-day Colorado General Assembly. All of what is written below is true. Unless it’s not. And we've limited our selections to just 16 highlights. Why 16? Why not?
1. Senate Bill 212 is passed. This pet project of Gov. Bill Ritter updates the state’s educational curriculum standards to ensure that all Colorado high school students will - from day one after graduation - be ready for mandatory union membership.
2. House Bill 1389 presently awaits Ritter's signature. It requires health insurance firms to get prior approval for rate hikes. Even though they are private businesses, health insurers cannot even raise prices one cent unless they - according to specific wording in the bill - go to Democrat leaders and ask, "Pretty please? With a cherry on top?" Those testifying at a hearing in favor of the bill included Fidel Castro and Kim Jong Il.
3. Pushed hard by Joint Budget Committee Chairman Bernie Buescher, the House and Senate pass House Bill 1261, which eliminates Colorado's sales tax on airplanes sold to out-of-state residents. Although he campaigned for Ref C and the Ritter tax property tax hike, we’re sure Mr. Buescher’s support of this bill has nothing to do with the fact that he used to be the CEO of an airplane maintenance company. In fact, let’s review Mr. Buescher’s attitude towards taxes:
Single mom from Longmont: No TABOR refund check this year.
Low income family from Pueblo: Raise its property taxes.
Millionaire Private Jet buyer from Beverly Hills: Give him a tax cut!
4. The house passes House Bill 1042, which allows therapists to perform massages on animals without having to have a veterinarian present. Attention on this issue came to light after several police stings uncovered prostitution at seedy animal massage parlors.
5. Kids win big, as legislative Dems pass several bills that they describe as being "For the children," - including one that will allow kids to purchase full-strength alcohol on Sundays.
6. On May 2nd, Rep. Doug Bruce goes an entire 14 minutes without causing any controversy. Meanwhile, a legislative aid uses the last roll of toilet paper in the Capitol ladies room - a move which infuriates Rep. Kathleen Curry, who bangs on her gavel as she yells at the young woman: "How dare you!"
9. Senate Bill 159 is passed, which lowers the threshold for boating under the influence to a blood alcohol level of .08. It also instructs law enforcement officials to set up floating sobriety checkpoints, where suspected drunk boaters will have to get out of the boat and attempt to swim a straight line.
10. Sen. John Morse spoke to the Rocky Mountain News about the $18 billion budget he helped pass: "It takes courage to increase investment under the threat of the downturn we face." Why yes, Sen. Morse. How brave of you to spend other people’s money by sitting in a comfy chair and punching a green "YES" button. We haven’t seen that kind of courage since Bill Clinton got his draft notice.
11. Always one to force government regulation on innocent bystanders, Rep. Michael Merrifield promotes House Bill 1356 - a supposed "tenant protection" bill that takes away private property rights from homeowners and landlords. He spoke about a "horrendous" apartment building that was so bad, it wasn’t even fit for animals. Merrifield went on to say that it was, however, perfectly fit for school-choice advocates.
12. Senate Bill 73 is passed, a measure designed to address the high cost of college textbooks. The three liberal co-sponsors introduced this bill because of concerns over what they felt were extremely high prices. The measure also required that economics textbooks be stripped of any reference to free market principles and capitalism.
13. Democrats introduce a bill that requires new rental properties to be equipped with a carbon monoxide detector. Meanwhile, Republicans introduce a bill that requires Ritter spokesman Evan Dryer be equipped with a lie detector.
14. Trying to shed their image as the party against family values, Democrats pass a new fee on marriage licenses.
15. The Rocky Mountain News reports that free prostrate cancer screenings would be available to male lawmakers at the Capitol. After receiving his painful invasive examination, one Democrat grimaced, rubbing his backside while telling a reporter, "I guess now I know how the average Colorado taxpayer feels."
15. Legislators discuss House Bill 1314, which would fund help for Coloradans addicted to gambling. For correctly picking the bill’s passage date, house staffer Rick Johnson wins $375 in the state Capitol office pool.
16. Having failed to pass anything close to meaningful work on health care, economic progress, or transportation solutions, the term-limited Alice Madden, (who also failed to stop Bruce Benson from becoming CU President), sums up the session to a Boulder Camera reporter:
"I’m going out on a high note."
Well said, Rep. Madden. Well said.