By Andrew Ripemoff
Let’s say you are an elk, (work with me here people), and not only are you an elk, but you’re a responsible, conscientious citizen elk, who is currently undecided about the U.S. Senate race and the various ballot issues upcoming here in your native state. Since animals technically can’t vote, you weren’t sure if you would have a voice in this election - especially considering the fact you literally don’t even have a voice. But you do have the ability to produce a loud bugling noise, and you demand to be heard. So, as luck would have it, you happened to be approached by one of those losers - I mean, community organizers - who work for ACORN, and they got you registered to vote. Because - let’s be honest - they’ll register ANYBODY to vote.
So now you’re registered and eagerly looking forward to participating in your very first election. Assuming the sensitive electronic voting machine screens can handle enormous hoof marks, of course.
You’ve thought long and hard about the various issues, but after looking at the ballot and the official "blue book" voter guide, you just can’t seem to decide. Part of the reason is that you can’t read, but another part is that you don’t know where the two candidates stand on issues that mean a lot to you. You being your average 10-point bull elk dutifully raising a family of calves while still trying to mate with 20 to 30 females. Oh, the life.
Now that the ACORN activist has you registered, he starts talking to you about the various ballot measures, including Amendment 46. At first he spoke in English, so he was hard to understand, but once he switched to using that mating call device, it got your attention real quick. He told you that if 46 passes, it would mean that the government would not be allowed to discriminate on the basis of race or gender. He told you this was a bad thing, and that you should vote against it.
"Hmmm. That initiative actually sounds fair and reasonable," you think. But then the ACORN guy started throwing around hints about how about how he had a rifle and a hunting license. So you decided to reconsider.
"If 46 is defeated, you could receive preferences from government." He said. This sort of intrigued you. Especially since the state has a ton of primo open space - you liked the idea of getting preferential treatment when it comes to who gets dibs on the tasty sagebrush.
Then the ACORN activist spoke of affirmative action with regard to college admissions and how diversity is more important than academic integrity.
Then they told you how minorities like yourself needed to have special rights and protections. He said that if 46 passes, groups that are now preferred will face hardships. And you would have laughed at this, but you weren’t born with human vocal chords. So instead, you grunted: "Hardships? My dad’s head is mounted up on a wall in a den somewhere in suburban Dallas. Let's talk about real hardship!"
Personal offense being a cardinal sin to liberals, this caused the ACORN representative to apologize and quickly switch topics to the Colorado Senate race. He began trying to sell you on Mark Udall’s various positions on the issues, and you listened intently. But soon you got hungry, so you started to eat lunch. And that’s when a policeman came by and told you it was against Denver city ordinances to consume flowers planted on the 16th Street Mall, so you stopped and went back to listening to the ACORN guy, who suddenly got your attention when he talked about Udall’s proposal for an Elk Bridge across I-70.
The total cost would be $10 million dollars, he said, mentioning how Udall got the ball rolling on the boondoggle by requesting a half-million dollar "earmark," and he began explaining what an "earmark" was. So you interrupted him:
"I know all about earmarks." You said. "A couple of years back, the Colorado Division of Wildlife tagged my ear, leaving a mark."
And the ACORN guy looked kind of frightened. So you went on to explain how, as far as you were concerned, Udall’s $10 million bridge was a great idea. After all, it was just last April when your cousin Larry got hit by a Ford F-250 near Glenwood Springs. You TOLD Larry that the grass in the I-70 median tastes the same as all the other grass. But would he listen? No.
So basically you support the bridge. Yes it’s expensive, but you don’t worry about the cost to taxpayers. On last year’s 1040EZ, you claimed 45 calves and 18 spouses in your harem as dependents. You don’t have to pay ANY taxes. And since Udall is throwing around millions of dollars of Colorado taxpayer money on elk related luxuries, you decide to ask the liberal Boulder congressman if he’ll throw in an Elk movie theater, or maybe a couple Elk day spas. That would be cool.
Then you bring up an issue very important to you and all your buddies: the eternal hope that the 2nd Amendment will be repealed. And the ACORN guys says not to worry, Udall does NOT support gun owner rights. And, just like you, he despises hunters. "Udall doesn’t hunt elk," he says. "The guy spends all his time with liberals in Washington D.C. He thinks elk are those things that pull Santa Claus’s sleigh."
And this all sounds good to you. The ACORN guy wraps up his sales pitch by telling you how a vote for Udall is a vote for the future, and how Udall promises to wean us off oil in 20 years. But you don’t have the heart to tell him that your life span is only 10 to 13.
So you thank him for his time and tell him you hope that one day he will be able to get a job and become a productive member of society. He seems to be insulted by this, so you leave and go directly to the early voting booth, where you cast your hoof mark for Mark Udall.
Because that $10 million bridge is going to be awesome.